I got quiet there for a minute.
I was doing great, feeling confident, feeling the flow. I was full of ideas. I was sharing. I was taking good care of myself - mind, body, and soul.
I felt really good.
Then I didn’t.
Fear and overwhelm took over, as they do from time to time.
I have a hard time saying "no."
I took on too much.
Then there is the self-doubt.
Mean Michele came out to play. The one who tells me I’m not good enough. The one who wants to knock me down a peg or two. The one who asks me who the hell I think I am—who says that no one wants to hear what I have to say.
She picks on me and at me until that confidence vanishes. She tells me I don’t have the right to share my thoughts. She compares me to those successful people out there and tells me I don't measure up. She tells me I can't handle it. That I'm not doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. That I'm not doing enough. That I'm not enough. That I'm failing. She tells me I’m clueless, and everybody knows it. She tells me people don't like me or my message. She tells me that everyone just wants me to shut up already.
When she gets in my head, and I listen, it all starts to fall apart.
I start to sleep in instead of getting up to meditate and journal and give myself time in the morning.
I start to replace water with coffee.
I start to eat like crap.
I start to sleep poorly because of those things above.
Then my body starts to feel it, so I become lazy.
I stop doing fun things.
I start dragging myself through the motions.
I feel sad, angry, agitated, resentful, skeptical, scared, isolated, lonely.
I give in to it. I sink further and deeper into the hole.
Now I start to feel sorry for myself. I want to feel better, but I can’t seem to get there. My mindset turns to shit.
I lose patience. I become super negative. I complain. I stop thinking about others and become self-consumed. I lose faith.
I become the worst version of myself.
Then I self-loathe. I feel like all of the progress I’ve made is gone. I feel like I’m back to that version of me I didn’t like, and I’ve worked so hard to overcome.
I become hopeless.
Hopelessness is rock-bottom for me. So when I start to feel hopeless, I know it’s time to turn it around. I know it’s time I have to turn it around.
That’s when all of the work I’ve done helps me.
I used to live, perpetually, in that dark place.
But now I know it’s not where I belong.
So, I decide not to dwell there anymore. That’s the first step for me.
I wish it were as easy as it sounds. Just making that one decision to turn it around.
It takes guts. It takes courage. It takes effort. It takes discipline. It takes faith. It takes letting go.
It sucks living in the darkness but, at the same time, there is something easy and comforting about it. It requires very little effort.
Making that decision to step out of it is the hardest step. But, after that, it gets a little easier.
I start doing all the things again—the "good for me" things.
I get up early, meditate, pray, journal, and read.
I get dressed and put on some makeup and perfume (personal preference - makes me feel like I’m putting in some effort).
I drink plenty of water. I move my body. I eat better.
I connect with my people.
I do things that I enjoy doing.
I ease up on myself.
I work on setting boundaries.
I reframe my negative thoughts.
I face those demons.
I elevate my mindset.
I work through the fear, putting it in its rightful place.
I get out of my head and put myself out there again, so I can do what I’ve always wanted to do - use my pain to help others with theirs. I don’t need approval, acceptance, or accolades for that. I just need to share, and hopefully, it will help someone. Note to self: I must remember that.
Eventually, I work my way back. I climb out of the hole, and I am me again.
If you are struggling the way I have been, I am holding space for you. I’m holding on to hope for you until you are ready to take it for yourself. You are stronger than your fear. You are worthy. You are enough. You are important. You are wonderful. Please remember that, and when you are ready, come back to yourself. Please, always come back to yourself.
With so much love & gratitude,