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Buried Alive

The lesson I learned…

Avoid, ignore, numb, bury feelings of pain and heartache.

This is a tough one to write.

My numbing tool of choice was alcohol.

When something hurt me, I drank.

When someone hurt me, I drank.

When I was feeling any pain, I drank.

I numbed those feelings.

Pushed down,

deeper and deeper,

to my core

where they stayed until those times the alcohol had the opposite effect

and all that pain came spilling out,

in a brilliant show of emotion.

But instead of being heard and understood,

I was dismissed.

Because I had been drinking.

So, the pain intensified.

Feeling invalidated.

And alone.

I drank more.

To bury the pain.

Overcoming the lesson…

I don’t have a rock-bottom story.

More of a compilation of sad moments that added up to a “rock-bottom.”

All I knew was that I couldn’t continue in that way.

I’m going to get spiritual here for a moment.

God helped me to stop at just the right time.

February 17, 2020.

Right before the world erupted in chaos, and with it, my life.

Had I not stopped using alcohol to bury the pain, I don’t know what would have happened to me.

Because the pain intensified in 2020.

And it was hard,

not to numb.

But I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Without having felt every moment of that pain.

And realizing that I was strong enough to deal with it head-on.

When you numb, bury, ignore your pain, it doesn’t go away.

It festers.

It simmers below the surface.

It causes you to behave in ways that aren’t good for you.

And threatens to boil over at any given moment.

If you want to be truly happy,

you need to feel the pain.

You need to feel the hurt.

Sit with it.

Process it.

Work through it.

Make peace with it.

So you can move on from it.

And leave it behind.

Or it will ultimately

bury you alive.

Until next time...


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